Friday, July 11, 2014

The Seclusium of Hambone of the Free Acids

(I wrote this on September 1st, 2013, and will never finish it. Instead of lingering in my DRAFTS, I thought I'd unleash it's embarrassing rambles upon the world. I don't usually write so much about my personal life on here, but I did this time for some reason.)

I have stepped in pee a lot this past week. I mean, I moved to San Francisco, the human-outdoor-peeingest city in the US. Today, I knew the name of the person whose pee I stepped in. He is three years old and loves trains.

After chasing me across the country, my hardcopy of The Seclusium of Orphone of the Three Visions caught up with me, and goddamn it is gorgeous. I love the cover, despite some issues I have with how the faces are painted. DEM EELS, to use obsequious internet slang. Lamentations of the Flame Princess publish the best looking RPG books. There are no words one can take away from that sentence. I await their next round eagerly.

My friend Derek paints things. One time I stopped having a crush on a girl because she thought it was some big revelation that he used projected stencils to make his paintings when anyone with eyes and a brain could tell you that just by looking at them. When I finally had the money to buy a painting, he had to triple his prices because he was losing sales of new paintings to other people selling his old paintings on Ebay for high prices. Somehow raising his prices for new paintings was going to fix that. 

Anyway, he sold me a small thing for the old price, and the point is he said (and drew, and painted) the words "H A M B U R G E R" and "HAMBONE!" a lot. I mean, A LOT. He is short and round and funny looking and could basically go home with any woman that listened to him for five minutes. Many people thought he was some kind of wizard. He once ate a bite of my sandwich then denied it. He once punched me in the side while I was on a ladder filing CDs and I chased him in circles around a pinstripe-suited businessman shopping in the store Derek managed.

Why do you care about any of this? Maybe you don't. I haven't read a lick of text and am turning to page 96 and rolling things and writing them down. In many places the result was boring so I made something up that is probably inspired by someone I knew (not all the same person). OK I made some new tables when inspired.

The Seclusium of Hambone of the Free Acids is...
1. in a bad part of town, 
2. behind an unmarked door, 
3. up some metal stairs. 
4. It is full of finished...
5. and unfinished works, 
6. and on the patio out back there is a mostly-destroyed piano that Hambone plays when it rains.

The Hambone is...
1. bipolar...sometimes supremely confident and other times tortured and nervous
2. has a vast library of obscure and difficult works
3. utterly charming...
4. ...causing some people to come into conflict because jealousy.
5. trying to help those around him, but through ways which seem callow and cruel.
6. experimenting with self-medicating via trendy, homemade drugs.

The Hambone has abandoned the Seclusium, Why?
1. Time for his shift at his other job
2. He has departed to another realm, world, or mode of existence, to pursue his ambitions, perhaps never to return. (that's like moving to Seattle, right?)
3. Busy talking up someone he will later describe as "like being in bed with an alligator"
4. Creating a strange, confusing scene for others to stumble upon later
5. The land is devoid of Hamburgers
6. There's a really great record store somewhere else

Known Facts:
20. The Wizard used to visit us in our sleep, robbing our dreams of their treasures.
18. The Wizard was prone to fits of malice and rage.
9. The Wizard was a great traveller, and could be seen coming and going.

How did the Wizard appear?
1. Full beard, wild hair, military dress
2. Shaven, cherubic, unctuous
3. Severe, angular fashion of a different profession
4. covered in blood and cuts, mumbling to self
5. detached, madly scribbling, pulsing with dark energy
6. adorned in wild shapes and bright colors, slightly out of focus

I am totally bored. Skipping to the Seclusium itself...

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